pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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