I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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