I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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