We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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