Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Two words: blizzard sex
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
