Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
