had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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