When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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