He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize