i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
