At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
