party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
