Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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