i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
