I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm jealous of your bromance
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
