either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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