Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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