Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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