Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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