You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
