The police scanner is talking about you again....
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
