dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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