I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
