I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
