Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Who put my cat in the fridge?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
