STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We are all done wearing pants today
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
