my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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