he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
this just has baby written all over it
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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