Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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