are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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