I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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