i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
