Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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