so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
