I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize