So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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