I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
