I am in a vortex of obligation.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
