I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
