tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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