Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
