You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
