Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize