Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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