she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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