I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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