My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize