I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
