sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
