I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
