I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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