I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
