somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
