you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
