I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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