I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
