I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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