Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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