I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize