im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
