i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize