the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
