At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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