someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
