Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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