Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
