You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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