Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
