She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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